Posts filled under: suicide

On the phone with my mom talking about her birthday (Friday the 13th)

  • Me: So what did you do for your birthday?
  • Mom: Really it was the perfect day to commit suicide-
  • Me: *BRAIN AND HEART EXPLODE FROM ANXIETY*
  • Mom: - but I stayed home with your sister. It was so boring...
  • Me: MOM WHY WOULD SAY THAT!?
  • Mom: Relax, I was kidding haha
  • Me: *no me fucking gusta yo*

This came to me one day in the middle of class in 4eme. All I remember is everything going blank, except for my hand unconsciously drawing this in the palm of my hand. I began to shake furiously and I had to be excused from class and be accompanied by my friends. They tried to rationalize with me about what it was: “Maybe it’s just 2 M’s? like for your name?” I knew they were wrong, but I didn’t even know WHY they were wrong.
I didn’t know where it came from, but I knew it had to mean something, and ever since then I’ve been trying to piece it together. The closest thing I can even compare this to would be two intertwining sigmas (Σ). All I know is that everything that’s happened to me, good or bad, from the day I was born, has made me who I am today.

This symbol is a reminder of that. 

It’s a constant reminder that I shouldn’t ever give up because things are hard or because people don’t understand me. People may never understand me fully, but I refuse to let that get in the way of who I am meant to become in the future. This symbol represents me getting closer to realizing who I am and what my purpose is in life. People come so close to giving up on life because they feel like they aren’t going anywhere just because they don’t see it on the horizon. Me getting this on my lower forearm - permanently - is just a simple thing for me to keep pushing and just remind myself: “You exist for a reason”.

It may seem silly to you (or absolutely absurd, I don’t know), but you’re my dad and I’m sharing this with you because I want you to understand me, and as stupid as this sounds, you letting me get this tattoo will make me feel better about myself and our relationship.

I’m gonna end this on that note before I get really emotional lol

Please get back to me on this ASAP.

Maye.

This is the e-mail I sent my dad after I called to ask him what he thought of tattoos. He found the concept a bit absurd and warned me that this was nearly irreversible, but he was busy at the time and wanted me to e-mail him the image so we could continue this conversation some other time… and we did. I called him the day after I sent the e-mail and he said he was okay with me getting a tattoo as long as it was done somewhere safe, wasn’t huge and that I didn’t go getting a billion more. But the day after that I got an e-mail from him…

Maye,
The funny thing is that I saw email just this morning. I may have overlooked it as I get hundreds of them every day. Sorry about that. I understand very well your point, and don’t ever think that I’m trying to go against your will or believes. Parents like me are always misunderstood because they want the best there is for their children. As God is my witness, you guys are always in my thoughts; night and day. I intimately pray that you become the best you can be, and I know God blessed you with what it takes to be successful, a terrific mind. My fear is that I don’t want you (both of you) to look back one day and regret that you didn’t fully utilise your god-given talents and skills. As the saying goes, “a good mind a terrible thing to waste”. I’m also glad to find out that you take time to focus on what’s important, and to dig deep into yourself to achieve it. You know how much I believe in excellence, and also how mediocrity repulse me. If you think back, you will remember that I told you a lot, even, and I admit it, I may not be a good communicator. I often let my passion dilute my points. However, I want you to get the quintessence of what I try to convey to you. Believe in yourself, and work hard. I know one day you guys will understand how much I love you and want you to succeed. Je n’ai que vous, vous n’avez que moi.
Love

I won’t lie. I cried a bit when I read this, because I knew this all along. It’s so easy to call someone crazy when you don’t take the time out to understand them, and that’s what my dad and I have in common. Our entire family is giving up on him; he’s only got my little sister and I left, and even I’ve been skeptical. But this just makes this tattoo that much more important to me.

I’ve been dangerously close to the edge at a few points in my life, in a very literal sense. But now that I have a permanent reminder on my arm, a reminder that I’m part of a greater plan, a reminder that someone out there can be so misunderstood and still be able to understand someone as lonely as them, a reminder to not backtrack on the road to my destiny, I will very seldom find myself in that dark place I was a while ago.

I look at it, whoever runs the universe will whisper to me: "You’ve come so far already and I refuse to spoil the surprise, so just keep going."

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